I Thank, Therefore I Am
by jimduchene.blogspot.com
Summary: I'm thankful for my ex-wife... that there's only one of her.


I couldn't believe it. There was so much food.

I have got four days off for Thanksgiving, and it looks like I'm going to spend the entire four-day weekend digesting. So, now that I'm done with my yearly tradition of eating more than anyone else, let me take a few minutes to give thanks.

First, I'm thankful to the people behind the ObamaCare website. Next to them, I look pretty good.

I also read in the paper that ObamaCare itself will cost the American tax-payer billions and billions of dollars. That's another thing to be thankful for. We have too much money as it is. It's about time the government got around to wasting a little of it.

I'm also thankful to have been born in El Paso, Texas. With all this First Grade fighting going on with the City Council, and two in particular acting like a couple of tweens arguing over who the cutest One Direction singer is, it saves me on entertainment costs. Watching and reading about the naming of our not-quite-here-yet Triple-A baseball team (the _Chihuahuas!_) is funnier than watching the Three Stooges. Especially the ones with Shemp.

Early in my life I suffered from an ailment that most El Pasoans seem to have. It's a mental condition where you think any other place is better than El Paso, so I chose to go to college out of state in Mobile, Alabama. I had a great time, and thought I might continue living there after I graduated. That is, until Hurricane Frederick dropped a tree on top of my truck. It was then I decided that El Paso wasn't such a bad place after all. Sandstorms are irritating, but they wouldn't kill me.

I'm thankful for the water shortage we have in this part of the country, and the water restrictions we live under. Hydration is over-rated. It's about time our selfish plants learned to live with less. Just like the rest of us. Except, of course, the politicians.

And, since I brought them up, let me say that I'm thankful for those very politicians we keep electing into office time after time after time. Same old politicians. Same old problems. Same old complaints from a public that doesn't think it's important to get out there and vote. Politicians get treated like kings. No wonder they don't want to leave. And as for the voting public, there's comfort in the same old, same old.

I'm also thankful to the politicians because I'm tired of working to support myself. If there's one thing that I've learned from the Democrats, it's that my support is the _government's_ job. Who the government is going to tax for revenue when everybody decides not to work is not my problem. It's yours. And your children's. But not your children's children, because I don't believe that children should be having sex.

I'm thankful for the upcoming higher taxes and double-digit inflation due to a bad economy that just doesn't want to get better. It gives me an opportunity to be frugal with my money. Just because the government spends more than it has, that doesn't mean I have to. My kids might have to do without some things, like food, but they'll get used to it. In America we have the luxury of eating out of the dumpsters of the finest restaurants in the city.

What a great country.

I'm also thankful for all the drivers-especially those from New Mexico-who drive ten to twenty miles under the speed limit. On the freeway. In the passing lane. It teaches me patience. They bring up my heart rate better than any exercise ever could, and make me a better driver in the process.

A special thanks to my wife and kids. Without them I would have never found out how good I look with gray hair. They've widened my horizons, introduced me to things I would have never discovered on my own (like One Direction), and have given me bags under my eyes from lack of sleep so big that that's where I'm going to hide this year's Christmas presents. I've never known such love, and I've never known such sorrow. It's turned a good life into a great life, and I wouldn't have missed it for all the turkey and stuffing in the world.

And, once again-lastly, but not leastly-I'm thankful to my wife's ex-husband.

Next to him, I look pretty good.


End file.
